Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
