Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
