the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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