I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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