Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
