dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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