I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
