So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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