He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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