I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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