I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
