how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
