How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
