I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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