Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
