Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
