Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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