Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
