there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
being pregnant is like rehab
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
