is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
