After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
