You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
