I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize