So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
