My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
