hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
