I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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