May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
