He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
