in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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