There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
