Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
