if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i drank out of a bidet.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
