We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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