You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
