you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
