): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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