Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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