I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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