Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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