Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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