I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
