Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
