Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
