If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
A bitchslap is in order.
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