my phone needs a breathalizer
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
