I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
