I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
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at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just googled if crying burns calories
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
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WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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