Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
