you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
