Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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