3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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