I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
