Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
