my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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