took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
