I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
