I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i think my cat just said my name.
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