i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He shit in the fireplace
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
