Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
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he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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